Computer Help Failed Upgrade


Wife 1.0

A software engineer wrote:

Subject: Failed Upgrade

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Smoking 10.3, Boozing 2.5 and Saturday Night Pubs 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications like Night Club 4.3, Dance ‘n’ Drink 2.0 and Bachelor Party 7.77. I am thinikng about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this programm. Once I tried to uninstall Wife 1.0 but got this error: “General Protection Fault in module House Security. The Uninstallation will abort.” Can you help me, please?

Here was the reply from Tech Support:

Re: Failed Upgrade

This is a very common problem among men, but it is due mostly to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under “Warnings-Alimony/ Child Support”. This was given to you at time of registration with Wife 1.0. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding GENERAL PARTNERSHIP FAULTS (GPFs). The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\ APOLOGIZE. In fact I would suggest you use this command every time Wife 1.0 crashes on your system. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider bying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or Movies 4.5. Do not, under any circumstances, install Visual Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likley to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Recent surveys show add-ons like Visual Dress 2.0, Diamond Necklace 3.0, and a quick tour to temple 1.0 are the best Third Party tools supported by Wife 1.0 to allow it to run smoothly and effectively.

Best of Luck!

EVER WONDER where we are headed…


 

Why the sun lightens our hair,

but darkens our skin?

Why women can’t put on mascara

with their mouth closed?

 

 

Why you don’t ever see the headline:

“Psychic Wins Lottery”?

 

 

Why “abbreviated” is such a long word?

 

Why Doctors call what they do “practice”?

 

Why you have to click on “Start”

to stop Windows 98?

 
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

 

 

Why the man who invests all your money is called a “Broker”?

 

 

Why there isn’t mouse flavored cat food?

 

Who tastes dog food when it has a

“new & improved” flavor?

Why Noah didn’t swat those two mosquitoes?

 

 

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

 
Why they don’t make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?

 

 

Why sheep don’t shrink when it rains?

 

Why they are called apartments when

they are all stuck together?

 

If con is the opposite of pro,

is Congress the opposite of progress?

 

 

Why they call the airport “the terminal”

if flying is so safe?

 

 

AND…

 

 

 

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

 

 

On a Myer hairdryer:

“Do not use while sleeping”.

(Darn, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair).

 

 

On a bag of Chips:

You could be a winner!  No purchase necessary.  Details inside.

(The shoplifter special?)

 

 

On a bar of Palmolive soap:

“Directions:  Use like regular soap”.

(And that would be how???)

 
 

On some frozen dinners:

“Serving suggestion:  Defrost”.

(But, it’s just a suggestion)

 

 

On Nanna’s Tiramisu dessert

(printed on bottom):

“Do not turn upside down”.

(Well…duh, a bit late, huh)!

 

 

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

“Product will be hot after heating”.

(And you thought????…)

 

 

On packaging for a K-Mart iron:

“Do not iron clothes on body”.

(But wouldn’t this save me more time?)
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine:

“Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication”.

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

 

On Nytol Sleep Aid:

“Warning: May cause drowsiness”.

(And…I’m taking this because???)

On most brands of Christmas lights:

“For indoor or outdoor use only”.

(As opposed to…what?)

 

 

 

On a Japanese food processor:

“Not to be used for the other use”.

(Now, somebody out there, help me on this.  I’m a bit curious.)

 

On Nobby’s peanuts:

“Warning: contains nuts”.

(Talk about a news flash!)

 

 

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

“Instructions:  Open packet, eat nuts”.

(Step 3: maybe, uh..fly Delta?)

 

 

I don’t blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:

On a child’s superman costume:

“Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly”.

 

On a Swedish chainsaw:

“Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals”.

(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

 

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)…in other words send it to everyone.  We all need to smile every once in a while.

 

Windows vs Ford


For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),

Bill Gates

Bill Gates – A truly great pioneer and philanthropist

reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

“If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments,

Ford

Ford motor company.

issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash………twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3… Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4…. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5….. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6…… The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.

7……. The airbag system would ask,“Are you sure?” before deploying.

8…….. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9……… Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10………. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

PS – I’d like to add that when all else fails, you could call “customer service” in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!

Please share this with your friends who love – but sometimes hate – their computer!

HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND TUBE


A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers…

 

1) ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.’

 

2) ‘Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.’

 

3) ‘Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.’

 

4) ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now…. ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…..’.’

 

5) ‘We are now travelling through Baker Street … As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that’.

 

6) ‘Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.’

 

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: ‘Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman… unfortunately, towels are not provided.’

 

8) ‘Let the passengers off the train FIRST!’ (Pause ) ‘Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care – I’m going home….’

 

9) ‘Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions.’

 

10) ‘Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.’

 

11) ‘We can’t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.’

 

12) ‘To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage — what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?’

 

13) ‘Please move all baggage away from the doors.’ (Pause..) ‘Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.’ (Pause…) ‘This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your @rse sideways!’

 

14) ‘May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.’

BRITISH NEWSPAPERS


Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, ‘We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.’

(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.

(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like.

(The Guardian)

At the height of the gale, the harbour-master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed.. He replied he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -

‘He’d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out ‘Heil Hitler.”

( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Toying with the idea of putting my age on my cv.


I think it’s great that it is non PC to ask the age of a candidate prior to whatever however I am getting the feeling that I have missed a couple of roles due to age. I’m not yet done by a long way for the record I’m 41. My main gripe is that it is costing me on train fares and getting to interview. Had these people known I was 41 maybe their ageism might already save me time and money. To be fair they are so young (I’m really not jealous of being that age in todays world I had my youth and did all I wanted I was lucky – very lucky) some of the interviewers that they might not even realise that they are doing it subconsciously.

At the end of the day I am 41 and that fact is going to be established at interview I would prefer to know earlier if that is going to be an issue all else being equal.

I think it might be a good topic of discussion, I would like to hear your thoughts. And if I never get an interview again then we might be able to surmise something.

Good Luck Mr. Gorsky – Why Neil Armstrong said it ?


On july 20, 1969, as commander of the apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.

His first words after stepping on the moon, “that’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,” were televised to earth and heard by millions.*

But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark – “good luck, mr. Gorsky.”

Many people at nasa thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no gorsky in either the russian or american space programs .

Over the years, many people questioned armstrong as to what the – ‘good luck, mr. Gorsky’ statement meant, but armstrong always just smiled.

On july 5, 1995, in tampa bay , florida , while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question about mr gorsky to armstrong.

This time he finally responded because mr. Gorsky had died, so neil armstrong felt he could now answer the question.

Here is the answer to “who was mr gorsky”:

In 1938, when he was a kid in a small mid-western town , he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor’s yard by their bedroom window.

His neighbors were mr. and mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young armstrong heard mrs. Gorsky shouting at mr. Gorsky,

“sex! You want sex?! You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”

It broke the place up.

Neil armstrong’s family confirmed this is a true story.

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